RICHARD CHAMBERLAIN IN 
“WILL AND GRACE”
© 2005. Okihei Enterprise, Ltd. All Rights Reserved.
Tribute to Richard Chamberlain


 

 
WILL AND GRACE
"Steams Like Old Times"
Episode #804
Show #08003
Written by Gail Lerner
Directed by James Burrows
 

Plot Synopsis

Karen is finally forced to come to terms with her feelings for her presumed-dead husband when Jack surprisingly tells her he thinks she belongs with Stanley, not Malcolm. Karen is adamant that she will never forgive Stan and wants nothing to do with him--until Malcolm informs her that Stan has given her to him without a fight. Meanwhile, the new, charitable Will begins doting on the elderly Clyde and invites him to the Tenth Anniversary Game Night Spectacular, much to Grace's dislike. He is worried that he will end up like Clyde one day--a lonely old gay, but it turns out that the old man and Will don't have as much in common as originally thought. 

Cast

  • Eric McCormack (Will Truman) 
  • Debra Messing (Grace Adler) 
  • Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland) 
  • Megan Mullally (Karen Walker) 

Guest Cast

  • Richard Chamberlain (Clyde) 
  • Alec Baldwin (Malcolm Widmark) 
  • Tim Bagley (Larry) 
  • Leigh-Allyn Baker (Ellen)

 
WILL: You know, my life is so much richer since I started delivering meals for
Project Angel Food. I'm a good person. I don't say it enough.
GRACE: Bringing food to old, homebound people? How depressing.
WILL: Yeah, it's tough to watch their faces light up when they realize they're
going to eat that day.
JACK: I love being homebound. Or going to his place and being bound. Either
way, you do get hungry.
KAREN: You know, Will, I used to deliver paper bags to elderly people's doors.
Of course, they were filled with poo and I'd set them on fire.
GRACE: You're going to be back by seven, right?
WILL: For what?
GRACE: For what?! Rob, Ellen, Joe, and Larry are coming over for the 10th
Anniversary Game Night Spectacular.
WILL: Already? It seems like just yesterday we had the 9th Anniversary Game 
Night Hootenanny.
KAREN: Wow. Ten years of Game Night. What a milestone. Perhaps you should mark it with a suicide pact. Thank God I have plans with Malcolm tonight.
JACK: Malcolm? Harumph.
KAREN: Why don't you like him? The man is a doll. If a doll could speak seven
languages and had enormous genitalia.
WILL: I would like that doll.
GRACE: I'll take it when you're done with it.
JACK: I'm sorry, Karen. I do not like this man. I do not like him in your house.
I do not like him in your blouse. I'm engrossed in this novel right now.
KAREN: Please, Jackie, just come a-shopping with us. I know you'll like Malcolm if you spend time with him. And your opinion means so much
to me.
JACK: Really? 'Cause sometimes I worry you only think of me as a trained monkey who hops around for your amusement.
KAREN: That's nonsense. Now come on. And if you like him, clang your cymbals once.

WILL: Okay, looks like they're all here. Kosher meal for Louie. Low sodium for
Frida. And, oh, wait. Am I missing one? Where's the one for --

WILL: Grace! You're eating Clyde's meal.
GRACE: Well, I hope Clyde has a salt shaker, 'cause this crap is bland.
WILL: Actually this is great. Now I have an excuse to swing by Dean and DeLuca and get him that lobster salad we like.
GRACE: God, all you talk about lately is Clyde. What, do you love him?
WILL: I sort of do. He's witty, and smart. He's the kind of gay man I'd like to
be when I'm older. Only without so much farting.

MALCOLM: I'm glad we're getting to know each other, Jack. I was worried that when I helped Stan fake his death, then brought him back for a long-dreamed-of
reunion with his ex-wife, then fell in love with her and started dating her
myself, her friends might have a hard time accepting me.
JACK: Well, it's nothing we haven't all been through. And I realize I was bristly.
So I went to the salon, and now I'm smooth. I'm always friendlier when I'm smooth.
KAREN: I've heard I'm most friendly when I'm unconscious.
MALCOLM: Now Jack, there are two ways I know to get a guy to call me friend. One is to attach his nipples to a car battery. The other is to buy him an
Italian suit.
JACK: Do I have to choose?
KAREN: Aw, this is the side of Malcolm I wanted you to see. The playful,
torture-y side.
MALCOLM: I hope this is the start of a real bond between us. Because I'd
hate it if I had to make a phone call.
JACK: To have me killed?
MALCOLM: No, 1-800-ROSES, silly.  I can't have people killed. Unless, of
course, they're a threat to America. Which, by the way, you're not. And
believe me, I made a lot of calls.
KAREN: Aw, you hear that, Jackie? The government doesn't know you're gay.
JACK: That makes sense. Those guys are totally confused. They also think I
owe them $17,620 for something called "back taxes." I mean, they don't tax
your front.
MALCOLM: Excuse me. That guy's taking a shirt that would look great
on you.  And I will not let that happen.

KAREN: Isn't he cute? And he's a real man's man. I love to watch his strong,
rough fingers unbutton the front of my nightie. I'm amazed he can even get
it on over his head.
JACK: Yes, he's nice, and yes, he's good looking, and yes, he smells like baby
powder and Greek salad, but there's just one thing.
KAREN: What's that, honey?
JACK: He's not Stan. You belong with Stan.
MALCOLM: Are you one of those fruits who's scared of pink, or can we take a crack at this?

 
GRACE: Hi! Did you guys come together?
LARRY: No, we met on the elevator. Did you know that Hannah and Dexter are in the same kindergarten class?
ELLEN: Isn't that funny?
GRACE: Is it? Anyway, welcome to the 10th Anniversary Game Night
Spectacular! Where are Rob and Joe?
LARRY: Joe couldn't come. Our babysitter cancelled.
ELLEN: Our babysitter cancelled, too! Isn't that funny?
LARRY: That is so funny.
GRACE: I don't think you're using that word right.  So no Rob and Joe.
That's okay, because they're weak players, and they never add much to
the evening anyway.
ELLEN: They're our husbands.
LARRY: Yeah, but they're duds.
GRACE: So tonight will be an all-star game. You two against me and Will. No duds.

WILL AND CLYDE ENTER. CLYDE LEANS ON A THREE-FOOTED
ORTHOPEDIC CANE.
WILL: Hey, everybody! Slight change in the guest list. All the way from 1933,
it's Clyde!
CLYDE: Hello. Oh, it is damp in here. I was afraid of that.
LARRY / ELLEN: Hi, there. / Nice to meet you.
GRACE: What a 10th Anniversary Game Night Spectacular surprise. An older man none of us know.

CLYDE: You must be Grace. My, you're beautiful.
GRACE: No, I'm Grace.
CLYDE: Oh. Hello.
GRACE: Will, can I talk to you for a second?
WILL: Sure. Clyde, can I get you anything?
CLYDE: I will need at least one Rolaid.
WILL: Coming right up, big guy.

GRACE: What's he doing here? He's an odd number.
WILL: Who needs a little company. And compassion. That's the kind of thing
I do now. I help. I give. I make a difference. It's kind of who I am now. I'm Charity Will.
GRACE: Look, I get what you're doing and the new name's cute, but it's Game Night. Can't we just do what we do with my grandmother? Stick him in the other
room with a tape recorder and tell him we care about his life stories?
WILL: Look, don't worry. He's not even going to play.

WILL: Clyde, are you excited to be the scorekeeper for the 10th Anniversary
Game Night Spectacular?
CLYDE: Scorekeeper? I'll need a whistle and a gun.
WILL: How about a pencil and the back of this takeout menu?
CLYDE: I'll make do. Now what are the rules?
GRACE: You don't really need to know them since you're not playing.
WILL: But it would be more fun for him if he knows. Here's how you play Celebrity. You pick a slip out of the bowl and try to describe it.
CLYDE: Got it. So I might say, it's yellow, it's rectangular, and it's folded.
WILL: Not the slip. The name on the slip.
CLYDE: I'm confused. Maybe I would understand better if I had some
information on the history of this game.
GRACE: C'awh.
LARRY: Look at her face. It's worse than when he thought you were beautiful.
 
KAREN: Honey, why would you say that? Why would you bring up Stan?
JACK: Because you two are soulmates. Do you have any idea how rare that is? Two people with one heart and four giant breasts.

MALCOLM: There a problem?
KAREN / JACK: No. / No problem.
MALCOLM: You're packed in those like poundcake in a shot glass.
How about I get you a thirty-four?

MALCOLM: And this shirt to go with it?
MALCOLM: And this tie?
MALCOLM: And what about these cufflinks? 
JACK: I don't think I'm a thirty-four. I would be swimming in a thirty-four. Now be a doll and find me a thirty-three and a half.
MALCOLM: You got it, tiger.

JACK: Karen, you and Stan were married. You can't say that doesn't mean anything.
KAREN: Of course it does. Why else would I be campaigning so tirelessly to keep it a sacred contract between man and woman, the way God intended? But Stan betrayed me. First by cheating, then by faking his own death. I'm done
with him.
JACK: He's not done with you. He's sorry, he loves you, and he wants you back.
KAREN: How do you know?
JACK: Because he told me yesterday.
KAREN: You've been seeing Stan?
JACK: No, he called me because you won't take his calls.
KAREN: You're damn right I won't take his calls. I never want to hear that highpitched voice again.
JACK: I'm meeting him later at his health club. I hope he wears the bike shorts
I gave him. They were made by Christo. Karen, come with me.
KAREN: I won't. I'm with Malcolm now, so accept it and bless my union.
JACK: I can't do that.
KAREN: Bless it.
JACK: No.
KAREN: Bless it!
 
CLYDE: So one player describes a person of some renown, such as the wife of a
recent president, and his partner would shout, "Mamie Eisenhower."
WILL: Exactly.
GRACE: Or he might shout out the name of someone who has been in the paper in the last fifty years. Which I believe is when we first started explaining the rules.
CLYDE: I've got it.
WILL: Good. Now Clyde, before we start, would you like a drink?
CLYDE: Yes. But what? Let me think.
WILL: Water?
CLYDE: No.
WILL: Tea?
CLYDE: No.
GRACE: Soda? Coffee?
ELLEN: Juice? Beer?
LARRY: Tang?
CLYDE: Oh, yes. Tang would be nice.
WILL: I'm sorry. I ran out of Tang. When I was seven.
CLYDE: Never mind. Let's start the game.
GRACE: Great. The teams are me and Will, Larry and Ellen.
WILL: What? What's the matter?
CLYDE: Your little guessing game sounds so much fun. I wish I were playing.
WILL: Then you'll play.
GRACE: No, he won't. He can't. 'Cause, you know, he doesn't have a partner.
ELLEN: Grace, why don't you be partners with Clyde?
LARRY:  I got Will.
GRACE: Wait. No.
CLYDE: Uh-oh. I don't seem to be a popular partner.
GRACE: No, it's not that. I just feel horrible for my dear friend Ellen who
has to sit out.
ELLEN: Oh, I don't mind. I think I'm going to enjoy watching this.
WILL: Great. Then Grace and Clyde, you're up.
GRACE: Thanks a lot. Now it's the 10th Anniversary Sucktacular.
WILL: Give him a chance. He could be great at this.
ELLEN: And go.

GRACE: Oh, good. An easy one. Trashy pop singer, pees in gas stations --
CLYDE: Oh, this is easy. Lola Falana.
GRACE: -- married to Kevin Federline.
CLYDE: I knew a Kevin Fife once. I don't suppose it has anything to do with him.
 
LARRY: Famous for nothing.
WILL: Wilmer Valderrama.
LARRY: Yes. If I ever see her face again, I'll shoot myself.
WILL: Paris Hilton!
LARRY: The other one.
WILL: Lindsay Lohan!
LARRY: The other one.
WILL: Tom Cruise!
LARRY: Yes!
ELLEN: Time.
CLYDE: How many did they get?
GRACE: Eight.
CLYDE: Is that more than we got? 
GRACE: It's eight more. And just so you know, Martha Raye did not play Rachel on Friends.
WILL: Come on, Grace. You missed some, too. Like when he said, "Best friends with Dennis the Menace," we all knew he meant Benjamin Bratt.

JACK: Hello, Stan. It's good to see you. Oh, that's you. And there's more. God, it's been two years. And you've been through so much. My mind is reeling with
questions. Like, have you seen my talk show? And can you tell my tan is
fake on air? Weeknights at four AM. Give it a looksee and let me know if I'm too orange.  Anyway, I just had a terrible fight with Karen. I told her she should get back together with you and now she doesn't want to see me, either.
JACK: Oh, you brought your harmonica? No, thanks. I don't feel like --
"Don't know why there's no sun in the sky / Stormy weather / Since my --
MALCOLM: Jack, I have to talk to you. Oh, you're in the middle of a number.
I'll come back later. 
JACK: What are you doing here? And you look ridiculous with your towel tied like that.
MALCOLM: Jack, I'm not here to threaten you into blessing my relationship with Karen. I mean, I could revoke your passport, put your name on a watch
list, and make sure your cable goes out right before the Tonys for the rest of your life.
JACK: What kind of a madman are you?
MALCOLM: I'm actually here to talk to Stan. How are you, Stan? Obviously,
you know what's going on with Karen and I. I stand corrected. Karen and me. I always get that wrong.
JACK: I always mix up "was" and "were." I have to sing If I Were a Rich Man to get it right. Or is it "was?" Grr. That one's so hard for I.
MALCOLM: Look, this is a little awkward, Stan.
You lived under my protection for two years. We shared a lot. And now I'm
nailing your lady. But you're the one who left her all alone to make sense
of this sad and scary world. Sure, there's carousels and hot dogs, but otherwise, it's bleak out there. I'm good for her and I'll never leave her.
And Jack, I thought you'd want the best for Karen. I thought you was her friend.

GRACE: Ellen, I feel bad you haven't gotten a turn yet. Why don't you play with
Clyde?
ELLEN: No, I'm having fun.  In fact, I'm going to put Rob on the
phone so he can listen.
LARRY: Tell him I'll email him some of these great pictures I'm getting.
WILL: Grace and Clyde are up again. Now, Grace, try to focus. Quit slowing my
boy down.
GRACE: Turn that timer before I shove it up your --
WILL: Go!
CLYDE: Ah! I know this one. He was in the film Titanic.
GRACE: Leonardo DiCaprio!
CLYDE: No. The lead.
GRACE: Yeah, Leonardo DiCaprio.
CLYDE: Think. The poor blonde boy who froze in the water.
GRACE: Leonardo DiCaprio! I'm positive it's Leonardo DiCaprio!
WILL: Time.
CLYDE: Tom Hanks.
GRACE: Tom Hanks?!
CLYDE: I bet you feel pretty stupid now.
WILL: Fun. Anyway --
GRACE: No, not anyway! Tom Hanks? Tom Hanks?! He could have said Big or
Splash or Forrest Freakin' Gump. I have tried to be a good sport tonight.
I sat quietly by when not only did you not know who Eminem was, you didn't
even know the candy. But I'm done. I'm done with Game Night. Maybe
forever. Thanks a lot, Clyde.
LARRY: Grace, say cheese.

WILL: Grace, can I see you in the kitchen a minute?
How could you talk to Clyde like that?
GRACE: How could you make me play with him all night?
WILL / GRACE: Ow. / Ow. Let go. / No, you let go.
One, two, three --
WILL: Ow. How could you do that?
GRACE: I couldn't resist.
WILL: I meant to Clyde. Would it have killed you to be nice to him?
GRACE: What's going on with you? I haven't seen you this obsessed with a greyhaired guy since you discovered Anderson Cooper.
WILL: He's a lovely, old, gay man. And when I'm his age and living alone in a
crummy apartment with a nineteen-yearold cat that's either very sleepy or
long dead, I hope somebody's kind to me.
GRACE: Wait. You think you're going to end up like Clyde? That's what this is
about?
WILL: How do you know I won't? I saw an old picture of him on the beach. It
could've been me. Except for the Korean War going on in the background.
GRACE: Will, that's absurd. You're not Clyde. There is no way you're going
to age that well. And there's another reason why you'll never be him.
WILL: Because I have you?
GRACE: That's right. And I ain't going anywhere. You know, unless I meet
somebody.
WILL: Aw. You aren't going anywhere, are you?
GRACE: No. So you got it? You'll never be some lonely old gay guy like Clyde.
CLYDE: Excuse me?
GRACE: I'm sorry, Clyde, for everything. And I'm wrong to assume you're lonely.
CLYDE: Oh, I'm lonely. I leave my door unlocked in hopes I'll get robbed.
Someone stole my TV once, but sadly he just rushed off. But I'm not gay.
WILL: You're not?
CLYDE: I used to be married to a beautiful doctor. But she often traveled for
work. When she had an affair with a colleague, I ended it. I've been alone ever since.
WILL: Wow. He's really not me.
LARRY: He's you, Grace.
ELLEN: Did you hear that, Rob? He's Grace.
GRACE: That's crazy.
WILL: Wait a minute. If you're not gay, why do you get meals from Project Angel
Food?
CLYDE: Why not? It's food, and it's free.
GRACE: Oh my God, he is me. I'll be right back.
WILL: Where are you going?
GRACE: You heard the man. He wants Tang.

MALCOLM: Great news, baby! I talked to Stan. I told him that I'm a better man for you than he is. And he said, "Okay."
KAREN: He did?
MALCOLM: And I promise I will never fake my own death. When I kill myself, it will be for real, and I'll take you with me.
KAREN: How romantic. Is that true, Jackie? Stan just let me go?
JACK: He did. He said "Karen's free to live her life." Then he shotgunned a can
of condensed milk.
MALCOLM: So you're good with me and Mama?
JACK: Sure. If Stan doesn't want her, take her. Listen to us. We're talking
about her like she's a thing. It's yours. Take it with my blessing. Now
do I get my Tony Awards?
MALCOLM: You want to win one? Kidding. I don't control the Tonys. But if I
did, would you take Best Lighting Design? Now there's nothing standing in our way.
KAREN: I'm so happy. Stan gave me up without even a fight. So I guess everything's peaches 'n herb. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to the Bronx and set something on fire. You know, because I'm so happy.

KAREN: Hello, Stanley. Well. Look at you.How could you? Wasn't it enough that you left me? Wasn't it enough that I was the last one to know you weren't dead? Now you have the gall to let me go without a fight, you fleshy bastard?
You just toss me away like I'm some meaningless fling or unattractive baby? How dare you. Goodbye, Stan. After what you've done, there is nothing you could say that would ever win me back.
KAREN: Oh, Stanley.
KAREN: Ow. Turkey leg.

END OF SHOW